Well, I guess it's time to get off my lazy ass and write this shit blog. I truly have no excuse this time because I'm home sick with food poisoning and have literally nothing else to do so here we go. Fuck you @Oyster Bah. Side note: raise your hand if you've ever invited a guy over, cooked him dinner, watched a movie, slept over and then spent the whole night throwing up and shitting your brains out! Highly recommended! In today's post I'd like to take you on the Brown Line and share some of my stories from the trains and busses in the Windy City. The Chicago CTA is tough egg to crack, but I have a couple tips and tricks for you to get thru it. In addition, I want to show you how to dress in your best riff raff street rat chic.
Tip number one: try not to throw things. Specifically, the man who threw his prosthetic leg down the aisle of the 76 bus one blistery afternoon. True story. It happened when I boarded the bus, buzzed my transit card, and looked down to find a literal plastic leg at my feet. Apparently there had been a fight or something and Peggy the Pirate decided it would be best to chuck a limb at the bus driver. He was quickly escorted out, leg and all, and shouted a hearty "FUCK YOU" at me and the driver. Not sure why I got lumped into that but I probably deserved it. I definitely deserve it for wearing this wrinkly-ass jacket from REI and no I'm not a hiker or an outdoorsman in any capacity. But it does make a good layering piece or a light jacket (it's a little Autumn-y tho).
Tip number two: be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. I'm talking, specifically, to the woman on the 36 bus who sweetly said to me, "Move, you piece of TRASH!" There's not much of a story to this, but more than anything I'm impressed at her ability to pick up on my aura! How charming! I wish I could tell you a tale of how I snapped back at her and we rumbled on the CTA, but her comment left me so stunned that I literally couldn't do anything but stand there, mouth open in shock. Instead, lemme tell you about this sweatshirt I thrifted from my friend Dean who was going to try and sell it but nobody would take it. That's how it found it's way into my welcoming home and I hope to show it a lot of love and care even though it is too small for me and rides up my stomach showing off my Grinch belly.
Tip number three: All that being said about being kind and shit, it is always, ALWAYS okay to yell at people for not walking up the escalator. Unless you are horribly crippled or horribly old, then you're lazy ass can walk up a fucking escalator. This is really not exclusive to train stations but I have just noticed since moving back to the Midwest that people standing on escalators is a thing. It truly boggles my mind. That's it. Check out these old jeans! One of the knee holes was actually ripped in a real life situation and the other I cut out with scissors to make it look COOL and TRENDY. Somebody told me recently that it looks like somebody punched holes into my knees so I'm not sure I did the best job, but it goes to show you that you can throw a little personality into your look without having to spend!
Last, but certainly not least, tip number four: Don't expect anything from Ventra (the lovely people who run the CTA). And I mean, anything. There was an error on my Ventra card one time, when I was stuck up North to make things better, so I had to call their office, who, to my genuine surprise, didn't pick up. I checked their hours and they weren't supposed to close for another 2 hours. So I called again. And then again. On the third call I spoke with Anthony from Ventra services, who when I explained that my card wasn't working, he took a look at my account, said, "Idk why," and told me to email them for a new card. They didn't respond to my email for 2 days. Cut to 3 WEEKS later that I finally got a new card in the mail. I asked if there was a way they could refund me for all the passes I'd have to buy every time I want to use the bus or train and he said, "No." Anthony is savage af.
Do you like the hat? Does it make me look like a Smurf? It does right? I'm trying this new thing where you half-ass wear the cap and keep it barely covering your ears. It doesn't really keep you warm but who gives a shit. Recognize the shoes? I feel like I should just call this blog Peacoats & Poppers & Dirty White Shoes. BTW, all these stories were from the bus and not the train because most of my stories from the train just involve guys peeing on the floor and we've all experienced that at some point so who cares.
May your buttons be as loose as your butt hole,
Love, Peacoats and Poppers