Wow, long time no see you guys! I've been very busy and haven't gotten the time to sit down and write for you. J fucking K I've been sitting on my ass watching tv and being trash and didn't you hear me say I would put this blog out whenever I wanted sweetie?? So now, almost a month later, let's get back into it, shall we? A couple things I've been up to since last we spoke: watched all of 13 Reasons Why (Cl@y J3Ns3N iZ L1Fe) ZOMG), went rock climbing a couple times but I only climb on the kids wall cause I truly think that rock climbing is foolish and dangerous, and I went to Elly's Pancake House where they were doing a 2 Broke Girls takeover (a show which, in my opinion, is a leading cause of getting Trump elected). I also went to Disney World, spent not a second of it sober and came up with some great tips and tricks to make the most out of your Disney trip if you don't manage to get kicked out. But we'll get into that another time.
Something happened this past week, though, that really inspired me to hop back on here and get to work. It's one of those stories that really stick with me, ya know what I mean. It all started when I was a wee little lad, bright eyed and on day 3 of 4 days of last years Lollapalooza. I hope you know what I mean when I say "bright eyed." Anyway, this guy I know, who matched with me on Tinder, texted me and wanted to "meet up". I, unknowingly, said "sure, I'm at the Perry's stage (duh) hmu." He must've literally sprinted to me because he showed up within 5 minutes, I kid you not. Cut to him making out with my neck and trying to grab my dick in BROAD DAYLIGHT at THREE O' CLOCK IN THE AFTERNOON. I'm sorry, but that is unacceptable. We all know to leave that behavior for when the sun goes down right? As a day normally goes at Lollapalooza, you lose people, or more accurate, you ditch people at Disclosure and run to rage at Hardwell. The next interaction I had with this gentleman was on Halloween, when I let it slip that I was at Progress Bar and again, he was there within 5 minutes. The fastest man alive?
Alright, so now you have a little background. I'd like to mention that we've yet to actually do anything together. One could call me a ditcher. I ditch. It's what I do. I'm not perfect. Anyway, Saturday night I was out and about, up to my usual antics and ruining every encounter I had with any cute guy I was talking to. One guy even asked me later what his name was, which I thought was an unfair question. Anyway, I said hey, why not just hit up this guy, maybe it's just the setting that hasn't worked in our favor. He was at my house in, let's say 6 minutes (further confirming him being the fastest man alive). Anyway, we were making out a bit when he asked if he could wear one of my shirts cause he … didn't want to wear his anymore? Ok, odd, I said, but here's a tank top sure. Next red flag was him saying to me "Can I please spank you? I really, really want to spank you." At least he asked nicely? Let me clarify that we are still fully clothed at this point (in my clothes). Now we come to the unforgivable, horrible, no good deed. He said to me "hey, do you have any mouthwash? I need to freshen up." Okkkkkk I don't have any mouthwash but you can use my toothpaste and your finger if you really want… He heads into the bathroom, and comes out, and to my literal horror, he is BRUSHING HIS TEETH WITH MY TOOTHBRUSH. HOW FUCKING GROSS. NOW I HAVE TO BUY A NEW TOOTHBRUSH. THNXXXXXX. This is when I really have to dig into my acting skills, pretend to be sooooo drunk omg, and fall asleep. Look, I know that this story might be a little mean, but literally you ruin my toothbrush I WILL EXPOSE YOU.
At this point, you're probably wondering why I'm eating hummus with a spoon in these pictures. Are you? Is it kooky? Well, let me explain. A girl came to do a hummus sample at my work place and she asked if anybody we knew had a blog or anything on social media that she could send some free hummus to. Oh, sweetie. Honey. Darling. My gay little ears perked right the fuck up. A free sampling of hummus later and here I am shoveling Roasted Red Pepper Hummus from Cava down my throat. It's mad good. Well, it would be mad good with a carrot or a chip or like, idk a piece of broccoli or some shit. I don't have the funds to buy any of these things because I used every little cent to buy tickets to as many music festivals as I possibly can because essentially I'm a rave thot. Let me give you a little advice, warm hummus isn't as good when you suck it down on a spoon. I bet you're also wondering why I look like a Easter basket when Easter was two weeks ago. Well, it's never too late to look like Easter vomit, I say! Funny enough, this shirt isn't cut out from the tent of a trashy circus, it's from Buffalo Exchange. The $5 shoes are from the Urban surplus store, where you can always find a good deal and a good pair of shoes that slice your ankles because they are cheaply made. I'm amazing at promotions aren't I?? Till next time, or more likely, next month!
May your buttons be as loose as your butt hole,
Love, Peacoats and Poppers