Merry Christmas to all my degenerate friends! For my second holiday blog post, I thought I'd give you all a backstage pass into my apartment as I gear up for Christmas. Not many people get a glimpse into this dark and scary place, and if you do then chances are you're about as fucked up as I am. But once a year it turns into a wintery wonderland, and then stays that way for the rest of the year because I get too lazy to take down the decorations. So let's get cozy, snuggle up, throw on one of those gay Michael Buble Christmas songs and get festive, chestnuts!
In keeping with the relaxed holiday spirit, I toned down my outfit today to a nice and basic bathrobe, which is a MUST HAVE in any closet. Truly, the times I wear a bathrobe are the times that I am feeling the most homosexual. The last time I wore one was when I tried to take a bath, got super stoned, and dropped an entire bottle of wine on the floor and sliced the bottom of my foot open. You can't tell in the pictures but there are little spots of blood on the bottom of the robe, which I think adds character. Above, you can see me lighting the candles in my fake fireplace that the last guy who lived here added for no imaginable reason at all. Have a waste of space in your apartment like this? Turn it into something fun! I turned it into Ariel's grotto, a place where she can go to escape her over bearing father. Thought I wasn't gay enough for ya? If you look closely you can see that I put a fork in there. Get it?
When it comes to decoration it's all about spacial awareness. I thought I'd showcase three of my favorite pieces in my apartment. I know it's not related to Christmas but this is my blog and I'll do what I want. Piece number one is a print out of Xena Warrior Princess, which truly helped me to realize how gay I really was. Her relationship with Gabrielle, those boots, that musical episode, this show was VERY underrated in my opinion. I have every season on DVD if you're interested. Send me nudes if you want 'em. The second piece is from the inside of a DVD box for "Color Me Barbra," a musical television special in which she runs around a museum and acts like a freak. HIGHLY recommended. And finally, the piece that I have in my hands is a poster that my mom made for me after our cat died. It says "Our sweet Faline." No explanation necessary.
Preparing a Christmas dinner in my house is easy. Since all I ever have in my fridge are condiments, I like to stand in front of it with the door open, stare longingly and make a wish for my stomach to stop hurting anymore. Then I redownload Postmates under a different email since they still want me to pay for the Nando's Peri Peri Chicken Sandwich I got last time and place an order for the Chipotle that's around the block from me. When the guy brought me the Peri Peri last time, I opened my door and he looked around, literally frowned and said "nice incense." He stomped off onto the elevator. Was he being sarcastic? Did it smell? True story.
It's important around Christmas-time to open your heart to the poor and destitute. In this case it's the poor and diseased. Not entirely sure who this little cupcake is, but this sad child seemed like he needed a shoulder to cry on, a toilet to barf in and a place to rest his weary head. So I popped a bullshit Trader Joe's Kale and Butternut Squash pizza in the oven, threw some rum and Winter Wassail together (give it a shot, it tastes pretty bad, but if you put enough liquor in it you'll start to lose feeling in your taste buds and it goes down like smooth butter or cough syrup) and force fed this pathetic putrid pup (alliteration). You gotta give, give, give people! It's the holidays!
I mentioned earlier that I'll be leaving up these decorations until I move out of this apartment, right? There hasn't been an apartment I've lived in where I haven't burnt marks into the walls with Christmas lights. I like to think of them as lasting memories seared into the walls of this one bedroom, so that when the next people live there they can look around and say "Wow, some fucking moron lived here but damn it probably looked SO CUTE." Also, check out this ornament below! "Don we now our FUN apparel." Seems pretty homophobic to me.
A lot of gay themes in this post. Makes sense I guess. All I did this year was become more gay than I already am, I think. Can't wait to see what happens next year. Finally, in a gesture of good will, I'll let you know who that little worm that's sprawled on my couch is. Dean Daneluzzi, go follow him on Instagram and his blog or whatever. It's called "The Dean's List" and its about outfits and blah blah blah. I know what you're saying to yourself, "But P&P, I only follow your blog! How could I possibly have room in my life to let some other blog in?" Trust me, I get it. Just do it for me, ok? So there it is, my last post in 2016. See you all in the new year, fingers crossed I make it thru next weekend!
May your buttons be as loose as your butt hole,
Happy Holidays, Peacoats and Poppers