Jingle Balls

Going to any holiday parties?  I'm not.  Didn't get invited.  I think people see my Snapchat stories and they say to themselves "I'm not letting that piece of garbage anywhere near my Christmas charcuterie."  But little do they know, I'm already downstairs and scaling the fire escape!  The seasons are upon us!  Ho, ho, ho, here I am, breaking into your apartment to give you unsolicited advice about how to dress for a holiday party!

As I grow older, wiser and closer to a heart attack, I've noticed how GOOD a sport coat can pull together a look that started off as plain and boring into something suave and a little douchey.  Don't we all want to look a little douchey?  This little number is from Crossroads, a consignment store thats around the corner from my apartment.  It's from CPO Provisions and it has a rip in the inside of the right sleeve so it gets VERY confusing when you try to put it on.  At Crossroads, you bring your old clothes and they'll give you money back.  When I brought my clothes, however, the girl at the front desk looked thru the bag for literally one, short minute and said, "Sorry I don't think we can take any of these."  Looks like I'm off to Salvation Army!

 Yes, I know there's a fuzz on my sport coat.  FUCK OFF!

Yes, I know there's a fuzz on my sport coat.  FUCK OFF!

I've recently seen people wearing pins on the collars of their sport coats.  I thought, "I could do that! Easy!"  Too bad I don't have any fucking PINS laying around my house.  But I really needed a bit of spice in this outfit so I found this pin that my friend Alissa gifted me that she stole at a thrift store in Brooklyn.  If you can't read the small type in this picture it says "Congrats Jared!  10 years of keeping it off! Subway; A proud sponsor of The Little League World Series."  Now, I'm not supporting a child porn peddler but this pin is SUPER cute so, thanks Jared!  It really gives my outfit a preppy, academic, pedophile look. 

Turtlenecks!  Love 'em!  They are super in season and they can also hide all those little indiscretions that you don't want people to know about!  Yes, I'm talking about hickies, fans.  I've quite the experience with them, even though I personally think that they are fucking stupid.  STOP GIVING HICKIES.  What are you trying to do, leave your mark on me??  Does anybody like them??  Pls, asking for a friend and also asking for me!!  One time I got a hickey in spring (not turtleneck weather) when I was in rehearsals for a musical.   They were from the music director so I didn't want anybody to get any funny ideas and think that I got my role using anything but my talent. Turtleneck to the rescue!

I developed a technique in high school that I'm honestly wondering if anybody else does this as well.  I tuck in my shoe laces.  I know, I know, weird right, but is it?  I got these shoes from DSW 60% off and the laces suck.  They look like a set of unsatisfying balls.  WOW, full circle with the title of this post.  Everybody needs some fancy, leather shoes in their closet.  Unfortunately, this is the first time I wore them, and now they are fucking ruined cause of this fucking snow.  Happy Holidays!

Does anybody actually like eggnog?  Like, I *think* I do?  But now that I'm saying that, I think about the eggnog I bought a couple weeks ago that's still sitting in my refrigerator.  What am I supposed to do with it?  Look, I know this post was short, but I have a LOT going on and I honestly don't have the time for my stupid, STUPID fans.  Jk love ya!  I'll post another holiday blog later this week so get ready for more festive fuckery. But until then...

May you're buttons be as loose as your butt hole, 

Love, Peacoats and Poppers